This ranks among the most surreal moments of my life -- 19 years and 730 miles removed from Jonesboro High School-1988, and I have been retyping a column I wrote for the high school newspaper. I NEVER EVER expected to be rewriting something from the Golden Times again in my life!
At the prompting of the mysterious "mbc," our dear JHS Class of 88 blog queen, from a previous post about the "JHS-We Have It All" bumper sticker, I am posting my column about the bumper sticker that sparked outrage from the principal. (mbc, of all people, should know a little something about how high school principal types react to things) I am going to post it in a comment to keep this from being an enormous entry that pushes Rev. Run off the front page ... so enter the comments section at your own risk. I'm almost embarrassed to dredge this up.
You've probably figured out by now that I'm the second classmate "mbc" referred to that would be helping her with the blog. I'll be doing 2 things in the coming months: (1) retracing the 1987-88 school year from the pages of the Golden Times, which I have for some reason kept in their entirety if for no other reason than to torture myself by rediscovering some of my truly awful writing from the 1980s, and (2) doing a series of short profiles on many of our classmates.
So you might be hearing from me sometime soon!
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OK, I warned you ... below is my bumper sticker column from the Feb. 26, 1988, issue of The Golden Times ...
“JHS—We Have It All”
Everyday, hundreds of automobiles carry this message on their bumper stickers for the world to see, living up the praises of Jonesboro High School.
And so often, I am approached by somebody who hasn’t lived the JHS experience, and I am asked this: “Kevin, does JHS really have it all?”
After a moment of due reflection, I clear my throat and in a distinctly New England accent, I reply, “Certainly. The curricular, co-curricular and extra-curricular activities provided by this esteemed institution provide a magnificent educational, social and philosophical atmosphere.” In other words, yes.
I leave the questioner stunned with the precision of my English mastery. Surely, he must be converted to the belief that JHS is the center of the universe.
Actually, if I had fashioned a message for bumper stickers this year, it would have said “JHS – What exactly are we allowed to do here?”
As we all know, we do not have it all here. We do not have hot tubs, or indoor swimming pools, or massage parlors or cokes at the snack bar, or very much freedom at all. These propagandist bumper stickers are sold for spare change, insuring that almost every JHS student’s vehicle is adorned with one, so JHS can be glorified across the know world.
Some of the past attempts have even been more humorous. “JHS—The Heart of Jonesboro” is my personal favorite. A few years back, there was the infamous “JHS is number one because of ME.” We all know there was not a single person that went to school here that year that could make that one true.
I wonder what the people who sell these think they will accomplish with this propaganda? Will scientists from all over the world gather in our halls and debate evolution with our beloved faculty? Will “Phantom of the Opera” come to perform in the JHS theatre? Will Julia Childs drop in for some tips from the cafeteria workers on how to cook exotic cuisine?
I seriously doubt it.
Giving credit where credit is due, at least JHS’ bumper stickers are more original than most. They don’t merely say “Go Raiders” or “Go Blazers’ or “I (heart) the Bearcats.” You don’t see Westside students with “Westside – The heart of Bono and Cash and Egypt” stickers.
Before I leave you, I have come up with a few ideas for future propagandist bumper stickers.
“When I die, I may not go to heaven, but JHS is as close as I’ll get.”
“American by birth, JHS student by the grace of God.”
“We are the JHS generation.”
“JHS—The Next Best Thing to Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad’ album”
I love it! Thank you for posting on the blog. I look forward to reading more from the "times that were golden". :-) —The Mysterious MBC
After you mentioned "cokes at the snack bar", I immediately thought about the purple cow. Does anyone remember that? If I could have eaten a chicken sandwich and drank a purple cow every day of the school week I would have. But then again, if you saw me now, I very well could have...
I loved purple cows and had that with a little pizza everyday until the novelty wore off and I was lured back to the hot food line. :-) Funny thing about cokes at school now...there are Pepsi vending machines ALL OVER the place now (they receive part of the proceeds), but they can't leave campus for lunch anymore. Go figure. :-)
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